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AtoZ delays

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I’ve been posting to all of the blosgs that I either run or help out on because, quite honestly, I’ve hit a wall. I wish I could say something positive, because of all things, I’m really trying to get my mindset to better places and thinking in better ways about things, but as I said in G for giving in, it’s not always negative.

Societal versus compassion

I guess this is something that clicked recently, along with some of the concepts I’ve finally worked out about toxic negativity in the people I’m around, and about how my saying ‘no’ isnt the same as being negative, and that anyone that pushes back when I say no to preserve boundaries for my health, whether they agree or not, isn’t compassionate, nor understands what I mean by toxic negativity. The thing is though, if I were talking about this and a friend asked me, I’d say with compassion and care, that it’s ok, society’s pressure to be always achieving is partially linked to captialism (I’d argue that daydreaming is productive, but others would say no, and it’s often described as a bad thing, not a good, even for writers.  ‘Being bored’, a bugbear of mine, is another one of those things that’s often talked about now as something of a luxury.  A first world problem. But, honestly? I sometimes think we describe being still and stopping as ‘boerd’ because it’s an alien concept to us. And none of that self-talk is compassionate. Not really.

Sitting still, and stopping

I was, as I always do, trying to meditate this morning and it hit me that my mind KEPT wandering to the fact that I feel like I’m so behind. No matter how gently, how often I pulled myself back, I saw that thought, inherently ‘judgemental’, inherently negative, and I couldn’t reframe it.  I’m behind because I’m tired, I’m not well, I’m struggling. A lot of that is possibly to do with the fact my brain made an audible snap when I worked something out, metaphorically, and the shockwaves from that ‘click’ is just making my head and heart hurt. It changes how I relate to people, and I don’t like that, but it’s… important. There’s another blog coming, because there’s books to touch on, and more, but the biggest thing is my brain just isn’t as compassionate to certain toxic negativities. Nor how people in my circle of friends sometimes bounce off that. So. I thought about it. I can reframe this. I can gently let go of the expectation of doing the AtoZ during April. The planning and research aren’t going to waste, and neither are the friends and reading I’m getting to meet and do while I’m joining in too.  But, this is my last AtoZ post, except, maybe a summary on May 1st of the stuff I did get done.

Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - text by Kai

M is for ‘mistake?’

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Yeah, I know, we’re not on M yet (I don’t think).
There’s a lot I could say right now, but, I’m just going to be honest and say a few things that my new friends coming in from AtoZ might get, and those of you that are my fearless readers probably know about me already.

Mental health is my limiter

I wish I could say positive things all the time about my books and stuff, but the reality of my world is I like to present this whirlwind, usually of joy and all sunshine and rainbows. The truth is though, like most people online, I curate my experiences – and in my case, a little more than I should.
I talk about mental health in certain terms, but today, I’m going to talk about it in a different way.
And I guess that’s ok, because there are books coming about it, so I had to do it sooner or later.
But I find the words faltering between my fingers and the keyboard. They’re jamming in my chest in a way – thick in my throat.
And it’s all because I’ve lived with, by level at least, severe mental health issues all of my life. I’m ‘functional’. I look ‘normal’. But as you can see from those quotes, they’re bitter descriptors. Normal and functional are mechanical descriptors I’ve always said ‘normal is the setting on a washing machine’. And it’s because we use words like normal, nominal, functional, functioning, intergrated … as if we all match up against one level, one actual checklist. We don’t. Humans are as varied as snowflakes.
The thing with me is I’m actually a bundle of contradictions. I deal with a set of cognitive dissonances daily because I’m creative and I’m techie, so when I describe this stuff now, it’s always as if I’m describing a computer of sorts. But I’m not. It just puts a bit of distance between myself and the things I’m talking about.
The dissonance though…it comes from, I guess, the normalisation and on the flip side, the stigmatisation of mental health. And of course, I talk about not accepting stigma, that I’m accepting. But it doesn’t change that there’s some internalised stuff that we were raised with. And it becomes a bit of a mess there, which I guess I’ll talk about more, but for now, all I want to do is acknowledge that I’m not acting at my best right now. And while I’m ashamed and feel bad pointing at the fact that I am effectively, severely disabled, there’s…a bit of me that doesn’t like to say that. As if it belittles those living with things I can’t even begin to understand. But it’s true. I have what is considered to be a severe set of mental illnesses. I’m not able to function at my best all the time. I really need to stop being stubborn and trying to pretend I do. It’s not as if people will be mean about it (actually, I also know that not to be true, but the nastiness that comes from talking about this stuff is, by and large, the way I weed people I don’t want in my community out. Not to create an echo chamber, but who in the hell attacks someone for having mental health issues anyway?)

It’s not been an easy year

I know many people can say that. But my year started (well, 15 months really), last January with a septic son (three kidneys, that is an adventure I’ll discuss on my personal blog when I get over all of the fear and lay a few issues I’m still having to work though), then February and his major kidney surgery. We got him through that, and the afternoon his stent came out, we started the first lockdown in the UK. That was, 13 months ago.
The last 13 months has seen me lose friends and family to Covid. And my gran, who was one of the sick and vulnerable due to chonic illness. That was in February, and I’ve soldiered on, because she’d want me to, but I manage a few weeks then break down in a wreck of crying and misery. It’s just not fair to inflict it on people and while I had high hopes for the AtoZ, I did kinda go overboard.

Mistake? Or future posts?

I’m being hard on myself calling this a mistake, but for me it is the end of the line. But, the posts I had planned, because I did, on all the blogs I was doing it on, will still appear at some point. Deirdre, at These Our Fandoms and I have discussed it and between feeling bulldozed by vaccines and life (as both of us have had a rough few years), we’ve decided it was too much to do on such short notice, so planning will probably get us through next year.
The rest of this year though? I’ll get the posts up. I’ll be writing up similar posts on the other blogs (even, ironically, my mental health blog) and I think I’ll just spend the rest of the year making new friends and visiting with others, if that’s ok with you?

And the books…?

I can’t lie and say I wouldn’t love it if you followed me on my “books” journey. I am writing and reissuing a tonne of them, but if you wish to follow, there’s a lot of places you can – with different levels of engagement for everyone’s comfort. My street team gets my ARCs, everyone gets giveaways, I answer sometimes on social media. You can follow the blog, or Authorinterrupted, when it’s back, you can join me on Twitter, on Facebook, or my street team, or you can subscribe to my newsletter. I’m even on Instagram, though that really is more about what’s behind the books, and my personal life. No matter what, I cherish each and every person that follows me. As to what I write?
Everything. Literally, I’ve got a book for every genre, just about now. My next project, the one I’m going to put the energy I’ll get back, the spoons I’ll retrieve, I guess, from the AtoZ, is a romantic comedy. But I write and love sci-fi, fantasy and all sorts, as the first few blogs showed. Thanks for reading, sorry if I’ve disappointed you by stopping. And good luck if you keep going, I’ll read what I can!

Books by D Kai Wilson-Viola - Books by D Kai Wilson-Viola - text by Kai

H is for Headspace #atozchallenge

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I’ve touched a couple of times on the fact that I’m working more on meditation and mindfulness, and working on being more present. During the lockdown, I several apps decided to put up free content or offer memberships to trial them, and one of them was Headspace. Since then, they’ve done a Netflix series, and they’ve extended their app, but I’ve got some favorite features.

Sleepscapes

Hands down, by far and away, my favorite aspect of the app is their Sleepscapes. They are 45 minute guided meditations/mindfulness exercises to fall asleep. I’ve enjoyed all of them so far, but my favorites are the Midnight Laundrette, The Slow train and the Lighthouse. They’ve got a few ASMR guided meditations, and the latest update added some extra features.

The daily rundown

A new feature they’ve added recently is a daily plan you can follow. The Wakeup is part of my day already, but they’ve added extra – I like that it’s showing me more of the things are available – from meditations and courses to focus music. You can check out the app for a trial period, at Headspace. Watch “10 Minute Relaxing Deep Sleep Sleepcast and Sleep Story: Midnight Launderette” on YouTube

Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - text by Kai

G is for why giving in isn’t always negative #atozchallenge

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I’ve spent the last year trying to rewire my brain somewhat – and actually, in some areas, I think I’m doing all right. The two areas I have – and have always had – issues with is setting healthy boundaries, and understanding why giving in, letting go or surrendering isn’t always as negative a thing as it sounds.

But it’s a negative concept?

The act of surrendering or giving up on something is often percieved and portrayed as negative. You’re quitting after all, but its that whole perception that’s part of the problem.
Bit of a mind-teaser huh? The pereception of something that you’re doing that’s perceieved as negative in itself is the issue. Not the act.
Yeah, it took ne a while too.
Sometimes though, you just have to give in and surrender to the process. Especially when meditating…

The act of surrender as an act of compassion

I’m still wrestling with this now myself, and I’m still working on it myself, so if you’re not quite sure about this concept, trust me, I get it, even though I’m talking about it myself. But sometimes surrendering and letting yourself go with the process is absolutely the most compassionate thing you can do, for yourself and your mental health.
It goes for almost every area of life too. If your friend isn’t respecting your boundaries, it might be an idea to give up on the closeness of that freindship, and recategorise them. If you’re struggling to get passed a behaviour, or reaction, finding out what you’re holding on to – even if that’s ‘I’m not ready to address that’ – is an act of surrender and compassion in itself.
My biggest ‘surrender’. Asking for help, or telling people I don’t know.
Turns out that my reaction to fear is almost identical to anger, because that’s what I was taught. You don’t show weakness, you don’t give people an in, you’re not vulnerable, they can’t use that to hurt you. So. You show no fear. you instead make yourself as intimidating as possible (I am completely aware that this may or may not be your experience of my personality, and if you’re really close to me you’ll have seen both, and it may have given you whiplash. Sorry about that).

Surrendering the idea that ‘weak’ = ‘bad’

I’ve been working on this because it’s no good for people that don’t know me to see a small tazmanian devil of rage when she’s just desperately afraid, and quite honestly, I’m lucky I haven’t gotten into more trouble in certain settings. I’m giving in on that idea and trying to be more open about it. But it’s not easy. But if I can help someone else see that sometimes, it’s ok to ‘give in’ and reframe that as ‘going with the flow’ then, that’s good enough for me. Because quite honestly, though I’ve always believed that meditation was about building resiliance and learning to focus, and working through becoming a more present person, some of that really is about letting go of ideas that are getting in the way of doing better with practices. Some of it is definitely about asking for help and letting of the idea that I’m showing weakness and arming other poeple. All of it is about growing and becoming a better person, I hope. What do you think? Is giving in good, bad, or does it depend?

Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - text by Kai

F is for f*&k and other profanities #atozchallenge

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collage photo of woman
  1. My AtoZ blogging challenge reveal 2021 #AtoZChallenge
  2. A for ‘are we there yet?’ #atozchallenge
  3. B is for Books – Walking off the earth #Finalchapterinthisbook #newbook #atozchallenge
  4. C is for Can do #atozchallenge
  5. A day in the disordered #atozchallenge
  6. E is for “eeek, I overdid it!” #atozchallenge
  7. F is for f*&k and other profanities #atozchallenge
Actually, it’s not….really. Made you look 😉
I wanted to get your attention – what I actually want to talk about is language, but profanities, and our use of them, apparently dictates how linguistically intelligent we are.

Not quite yet…

I don’t quite buy into the studies that suggest that if we swear, we’re more intelligent. What I do agree with is if you can express yourself in varied and interesting ways, you are probably more intelligent, so it’s possibly a false indicator, as it was suggested in a 2016 study there was no correlation between profanity and the use of cussing and intelligence, but instead, it’s to do with the wish to extend vocabulary. I’m really interested in linguistics, so I thought that this was a phenomenon I wanted to start talking about it more. So, my quick post today is about swearing, and asking you guys what you think. Do you think it’s a sign of intelligence on it’s own, or do you think it’s more to do with whether you’re working on extending your vocabulary and finding different ways to express things? (also, I’ll be re-releasing ‘The Secret Language of Fiction’ edition 2 soon, watch this space! – well, actually, watch my book announcements page!)

The blog of D Kai Wilson - The blog of D Kai Wilson - text by Kai

G is for Garrett #atozchallenge

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I guess one of the things I’ve been talking about at the edges of at least, is a set of stories called Garrett. And origionally, this post was supposed to be talking about how I’d signed this for something really cool, but instead, we’ve pushed that off onto another region of my timeline, so instead, I’m going to share the beginning of the bit that links Harper (and by extension, Elliot), to Garrett. It’s also the opening to Existence Oblivion, which ties it to that too.

Prologue

Afterwards, the clear images were shards, splashes, and strips of confetti – long, finger length pieces of cloth, a small lump and tufts at one end, that shimmered in the lights, all over the floor. Hours later, he finally realized they were the hairbands from her pot by the door. But, in those first moments, all he could think was “confetti; all elastic and glass”. The wall at the bottom of the stairs was splashed and spattered with blood. There was one pool, a small one, three steps up, along with the detritus of resuscitation. A failed resuscitation, his traitor thoughts insisted. Confetti, shards and masks. A larger puddle was staining the floor. His brain kept stuttering, eyes bouncing from the shimmering fabric strips, the size and width of a plaster, reflecting back the swirling blue lights outside as if they were silvered, the glass in constellations of portended violence, and the discarded gloves, mask and boluses. The smell got him next. Copper sickly sweet, stinger than the lilacs over the door. Then the cardamom in the chai tea she offered, over the scent, the breath of her. The copper top and bottom note obliterated everything. “Sir?” a voice said, behind him. He turned. “She died on the way to the hospital. They restarted her heart, but…” he closed his eyes, as the words washed past him. “Does the director know?” He said, finally. There was a mild tremor in his voice, and he had locked his knees, hands rammed in his pockets. “Yes sir,” the quiet, calm voice said. He spun on his heel, turning his back on the tableau, which was now burning in his mind, igniting anger, grief, and something…something else. “Doxxies only,” he said. “Full record mode from arrival at boundary gate,” The soft-spoken man seemed to go blank, and swiftly, stiffly spun, and he and two others left through the gate, paused, turned and then, re-entered. He walked to the nearest one and said “DTC Marcus, going to London House. Doxxie only command issued at….” he stopped. “It’s logged. One confirmed death, three missing. Reporting for the Flag, The Priestess of Care expired on the way to Nightfall Luna.” She was such a good woman. And all that’s left is stains, constellations and confetti. He was still seeing the shimmer, gleams and highlights as he got into his car and headed towards Vauxhall. Stuck there, the savage, alien beauty. The last of Maehb. 
Book Cover: Existence Oblivion
Existence Oblivion
Book Cover: Funhouse by Kai Ellory Viola
Funhouse by Kai Ellory Viola

Books by D Kai Wilson-Viola - Books by D Kai Wilson-Viola - text by Kai

F is for finding your breath #atozchallenge

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Hi.
My name is Kai, and until two years ago, I wasn’t very good at knowing how to breathe.
Odd isn’t it? I’m admitting that I didn’t know how to breathe to calm down. Because of that, I had a lot of issues with my meditation practices, which isn’t as uncommon as many people think, but I do also think, it’s not something people often admit to. I’ve talked more about it in one of my new books, but here I am, holding my hands up to practicing meditation, but not actually knowing how to breathe and calm myself. It sounds oversimplistic – if all you need to do is take three deep breaths (in through the nose, out through the mouth if possible (breathing out through your nose can cause backflow into your lungs and you might not get the ‘full deep breath’ treatment if you breathe out through your nose, but I’m not actually sure and I’m researching now why all meditations start with an in through the nose, out through the mouth. If anyone knows why, I’d love to share.) I’ll be talking about more of this in H for Headspace (the app and the actual thing), and M for mindfulness, meditation and me, but I’ll be honest, learning to breathe has been a revelation.

What do you mean by learning to breathe?

I ‘found my way’ to this technique simply by giving in and stopping arguing. Y’see, I’ve always been able to meditate – I don’t actually worry about my ability to do that, but it turns out that I wasn’t ‘doing it’ right, if there’s even that concept when meditating. I guess the video below (which, is, ironically from Headspace), explains how my meditation actually looked before. (hint, I’d go out and chase my ‘traffic thoughts’).
So, here I am, learning to do everything I needed to do, but breathing was a huge issue.

Why pausing and taking a deep breath is almost always good

I gotta be honest, I used to side-eye my pysch nurse when she said that one of the major things I could do is just breathe. I was the sort of person that counted out of order, that snapped a band on my wrist, or…I’ll be honest, I’d just melt down. I’m a 42 year old woman and I’ve cried in public more than the average toddler. I might be one of the few adults that freaked the hell out in Disneyland, to the point that my family had to make a ring around me while I sat and sobbed.
In the last few years though, especially since the lockdown, I started committing to refreshing my meditation practice. I was lucky enough to get access to Headspace (no they don’t sponsor us, I just adore them), and I work with their stuff to get through. And just going back through the basics, I have to say, I might go sharing out after the traffic of my thoughts far less, and while I still deal with a lot of distress, just three deep breaths not only gives me the chance to stop and focus on something other than what’s triggering me, but warns my family that I’m struggling. If that doesn’t work, I default to counting odd numbers out of order, or snapping bands or whatever, but seriously, take a few deep breaths. Things might look different afterwards!


Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - text by Kai