I did mention that I punctuate the phrase ‘if at first you don’t succeed. Try. Try again’, and I got feedback from people asking what I meant by that. So. I thought I’d explain that.
And maybe show off some new stuff at the end of the post
If at first you don’t succeed. Try. Try againOne of the things that my wonderful psych team (Dr C and MW, my psych nurse) who I was discharged from at the end of last month, worked on with me, was my mindset. And this really does say everything about my mindset, in more ways than one.
It acknowledges, in part, that I’ll fall and get back up, over and over.
It acknowledges I don’t get it right first time.
But… unlike one of the comments (which turned into some serious nastiness, so was deleted) I had, it does not imply I’m setting myself up for failure. It does NOT imply that I expect to fail over and over. In fact, I’m often pleasantly surprised when I get it right faster than I expect, and I enjoy that.
It’s all about perspectiveOne of the essays in one of the new books announced this week, (Miles to go Before I Sleep, November 12th 2021) is called ‘it’s all about perspective.’ MtgbIs will be discussed in great depth later in the year, I guess, as an ongoing thing, but the perspective essay has a critical point in it.
“It’s really easy to say ‘I feel positive’ and be lying in some ways. Mental health isn’t binary. You can say ‘I feel positive’ and it really mean ‘but I’m still ready for it to go wrong’. It’s not a betrayal of positivity. It’s practicality. It’s just remembering that on that see saw, you’re supposed to be closer to ‘positive’ than ‘ready to deal with’.” And I think that’s what I try to explain to others. I am upbeat, positive and often, just chugging away. But I am also often prepped for things to need adaptation. I expect to fail, and have to keep trying.
And keep trying…How about some good news now? I’ve got three books up on announcement for release right now. I’ve told my street team, and shared on my own personal profile, and we’re just getting my publisher blog sorted out, but… And miles to go, Before I sleep Kill Kit Killers – Book 1 And A House at War – Book 1, House Arrath and With Benefits You can read more about them on KushkaPress
I guess I should start at the beginning. I’ve been working as a mercenary for a while now, and had just completed a long term contract with a wizard, who felt that he could spend some of the loot we’d…liberated on making things right in his homeland. After escorting him there, I headed to the next village, and sat down in the Inn, waiting for the guild board to post any unclaimed work.
Artis, the small town I’d entered seemed to run on that model anyway, but for the first three days, the guild board remained bare. More importantly, no one approached it, so on day four, dropping an extra silver coin on the stained, sticky bar top, and asked Joren, the barkeeper, what was going on.
“Ah miss,” he said, with a wink and a smile with one too many missing teeth, making it look a bit more like a grimace of pain. “The guild isn’t hiring out right now. We found that out of townies couldn’t handle our Herlarns, nor our Boonsars,”
A herlan huh? I thought to myself. Unless they’ve been allowed to grow and breed, Herlan’s aren’t too bad. Boonsars though. I thought they were gone from this world. Obviously not.
I offered a matching, sunny smile of my own, and looked down at my hand, casually collecting dark and light into a swirling ball.
“I’m from these parts, I guess you could say, so I’m more than a match for anything you’ve got,” I said. “My mother was a water hag from the swamps two towns over,”
“Yes miss, you’ve got the look of changelings from our part of the world, but nevertheless, the guild doesn’t…” he looked down, then up, and smiled. “The truth of the matter is, because of all of the issues, the guild left here. I post some jobs, but not often. And, as it happens, I do have one. But…” he paused, looking me up and down. “It’s not for magic wielder, nor a changeling. Not unless you’ve learned other things while travelling,” he added.
I smiled coyly, and pushed him a coin, with a knight on one side. It represented the 50 quests I’d undertaken, without using magic. The productivity of conserving my powers.
“Does this maybe answer your question?”
He nodded, and wordlessly tipped his head to a door off the main room.
Knight of Conis keywordhttps://www.biddytarot.com/tarot-card-meanings/minor-arcana/suit-of-pentacles/knight-of-pentacles/
UPRIGHT: Hard work, productivity, routine, conservatism.
I’ve had many ‘this is my hardest’s to deal with – probably more than anyone my age has any right to deal with in some ways. But this one hit the hardest about three days ago, and I thought there was going to be a bit of give, a bit of wriggle room, but no. I finally encountered the words that just broke me in two. And I won’t repeat them. I’ve deleted them. But I came to a screeching halt, and I’m not sure how things will change, but change they absolutely will.
But first – I have a heck of a lot of grieving and coming to terms with things to do – and I need to build an actual, sensible plan to sustain my businesses. And I have to accept that part of that is digging out my work ethic and dealing with everything that’s gone on lately and putting things right. And I’ve come to the conclusion that to do that, this book needs to end. This story, no matter that it’s not a happily ever after needs to become something that we relegate to the ‘not touching’ drawer. Not everything that’s happened – no, they’re elements that can be reused. But the tale of the sad girl that lives inside her house and does nothing…that’s a bust. That’s so much of a bust we’re not making it past the first draft.
I’m not ashamed but…
When you’re where I am, you’re not *supposed* to admit bullying gets to you. I’m the moderator of one of the biggest indie communities on Facebook, I run a lot of things for a lot of different people and I find myself, daily, waking up and dreading the comments that appear here, and on the other blogs, I run. In my inbox, on Twitter, by PM on Facebook. And, in with that realisation is that I’m as unkind to myself as all of these people. My self-talk is terrible. I’d rather sleep (or try to) than work. And I hate admitting that, but my sleep is disturbed again, and it’s getting difficult to do *much* of anything.
I do have one ray of light though, beyond my family, who are just the best, and my friends, who equally rock, and that’s my books. I’ll be talking about them more naturally in the coming days, but for now, I just wanted to thank anyone that’s supported me as a writer. I don’t always get to write, but it is one of my few places of solace. And if I’m walking off this earth to another, I couldn’t do it without knowing that I was writing the story as I went.
Today’s other AtoZ’s on the blogs I take part on.
For my draw, I shuffled but did not take any invented draws (I kept them all the correct way up), and each day, I’ll share the meaning of the card at the end of the part, and then collect them in a glossary when the project is complete. These meanings may be the standard meanings, or they may be my understanding of them. If you disagree with a meaning, by all means, let me know, but I am working to the meanings as I understand them to start with, and will not alter the story if my meaning differs dramatically from yours. I’d already decided, as the set is coins, cups, wands and swords that I’d write a high fantasy novella of sorts, but I’m not sure if that’s all it’s going to be. (in my deck, coins/pentacles are interchangeable. I’ve chosen coins over pentacles for numbered cards, pentacles for named (Page to King), so I could introduce magics as well as other fun.
I shuffled several times (every four cards), to be sure of a good mix, and the deck has already been shuffled daily for a week, so, the pattern it drew is not due to poor mixing The 26 cards I drew are:
- The 4 of Cups
2. The Knight of Coins (pentacle)
3. 10 of Coins
4. 9 of Coins
5. 8 of Wands
6. 7 of Wands
8. 5 of Wands
9. 4 of Wands
10. Queen of Cups
11. Knight of Cups
12. Page of Cups
13. Justice (major)
14. Wheel of Fortune (major)
15. 9 of Wands
16. 8 of Swords
17. The High Priestess (major)
18. The Lovers/Twins (major)
19. 8 of Cups
20. Emperor (major)
21. Empress (major)
22. 10 of Swords
23. 9 of Swords
24. Knight of Wands
25.Page of Wands
26. The Magician (major)
Just a quick post cause everything is all go here but I’ll be drawing 26 tarot cards on the 28th or so of March, and they will form the backbone of a 26 part story, that should be mostly contiguous, but we’ll see. I’m doing several AtoZ’s, this one is also mirroring on Wattpad
Unlike other times I’ve done this challenge, I’m thinking about whether to do short (letter is for) posts as seperate, small entries, or having an overall post and breaking out into it in more detail in the next few weeks and months.
Any days that I can’t find something to talk about, I’ll either do a poem, a flash fiction piece, or something else. I’m not revealing all of my posts right now, but just to give you guys a taster, and whether you’d like to give me some thoughts.
A is for Alt-worlds.
B is for Books
C is for Cats /CPTSD
M is for Mindfulness/Meditation/Morrigan
P is for psychosis
ZZZ is for sleep disorders If I were doing a post on any of the ones that have more than one category, would you prefer, do you think, a different post for each concept, or all in one?