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B -The Knight of Coins (pentacle)#atozchallenge

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I guess I should start at the beginning. I’ve been working as a mercenary for a while now, and had just completed a long term contract with a wizard, who felt that he could spend some of the loot we’d…liberated on making things right in his homeland. After escorting him there, I headed to the next village, and sat down in the Inn, waiting for the guild board to post any unclaimed work.
Artis, the small town I’d entered seemed to run on that model anyway, but for the first three days, the guild board remained bare. More importantly, no one approached it, so on day four, dropping an extra silver coin on the stained, sticky bar top, and asked Joren, the barkeeper, what was going on.

“Ah miss,” he said, with a wink and a smile with one too many missing teeth, making it look a bit more like a grimace of pain. “The guild isn’t hiring out right now. We found that out of townies couldn’t handle our Herlarns, nor our Boonsars,”

A herlan huh? I thought to myself. Unless they’ve been allowed to grow and breed, Herlan’s aren’t too bad. Boonsars though. I thought they were gone from this world. Obviously not.
I offered a matching, sunny smile of my own, and looked down at my hand, casually collecting dark and light into a swirling ball.

“I’m from these parts, I guess you could say, so I’m more than a match for anything you’ve got,” I said. “My mother was a water hag from the swamps two towns over,”

“Yes miss, you’ve got the look of changelings from our part of the world, but nevertheless, the guild doesn’t…” he looked down, then up, and smiled. “The truth of the matter is, because of all of the issues, the guild left here. I post some jobs, but not often. And, as it happens, I do have one. But…” he paused, looking me up and down. “It’s not for magic wielder, nor a changeling. Not unless you’ve learned other things while travelling,” he added.

I smiled coyly, and pushed him a coin, with a knight on one side. It represented the 50 quests I’d undertaken, without using magic. The productivity of conserving my powers.

“Does this maybe answer your question?”
He nodded, and wordlessly tipped his head to a door off the main room.

Knight of Conis keyword
UPRIGHT: Hard work, productivity, routine, conservatism.

https://www.biddytarot.com/tarot-card-meanings/minor-arcana/suit-of-pentacles/knight-of-pentacles/

Fiction @ ByKai - Fiction @ ByKai - text by Kai

B is for Books – Walking off the earth #Finalchapterinthisbook #newbook #atozchallenge

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I’ve had many ‘this is my hardest’s to deal with – probably more than anyone my age has any right to deal with in some ways.  But this one hit the hardest about three days ago, and I thought there was going to be a bit of give, a bit of wriggle room, but no.  I finally encountered the words that just broke me in two.  And I won’t repeat them.  I’ve deleted them.  But I came to a screeching halt, and I’m not sure how things will change, but change they absolutely will.  

But first – I have a heck of a lot of grieving and coming to terms with things to do – and I need to build an actual, sensible plan to sustain my businesses.  And I have to accept that part of that is digging out my work ethic and dealing with everything that’s gone on lately and putting things right. And I’ve come to the conclusion that to do that, this book needs to end.  This story, no matter that it’s not a happily ever after needs to become something that we relegate to the ‘not touching’ drawer.  Not everything that’s happened – no, they’re elements that can be reused.  But the tale of the sad girl that lives inside her house and does nothing…that’s a bust.  That’s so much of a bust we’re not making it past the first draft.

I’m not ashamed but…

When you’re where I am, you’re not *supposed* to admit bullying gets to you.  I’m the moderator of one of the biggest indie communities on Facebook, I run a lot of things for a lot of different people and I find myself, daily, waking up and dreading the comments that appear here, and on the other blogs, I run.  In my inbox, on Twitter, by PM on Facebook. And, in with that realisation is that I’m as unkind to myself as all of these people.  My self-talk is terrible.  I’d rather sleep (or try to) than work.  And I hate admitting that, but my sleep is disturbed again, and it’s getting difficult to do *much* of anything.

I do have one ray of light though, beyond my family, who are just the best, and my friends, who equally rock, and that’s my books. I’ll be talking about them more naturally in the coming days, but for now, I just wanted to thank anyone that’s supported me as a writer. I don’t always get to write, but it is one of my few places of solace. And if I’m walking off this earth to another, I couldn’t do it without knowing that I was writing the story as I went.

Today’s other AtoZ’s on the blogs I take part on.

Books by Kai – Black Monday
Fiction by Kai – the Knight of Coins
Bi-polar bears – Being, not doing
These our Fandoms – a quick skimmer onto the things in Battle Ground by Jim Butcher.

Oh, if you want to keep track of all my posts in one place, I set up a syndicated blog again. It’ll have everything in it, eventually, though it does take a few hours to catch up with stuff!
See you tomorrow!

The blog of D Kai Wilson - The blog of D Kai Wilson - text by Kai

B is for Being not doing #atozchallenge

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If I’m not careful, I get to be very opinionated about labels and stuff. I was going to do ‘why it’s dumb that most bipolars are being reclassified as borderline’ but…I’m grabbing for any positive posts I can make. Though, to be fair, because of how I describe some of this stuff, I suspect this one might come off as slightly opinionated too…

A human BEING

I get really annoyed with some of the meditation challenge stuff that I read that says ‘to be in the moment you have to be a human BEING, not a human doing.’. It’s actually true though. Mindfulness, at it’s core is being as present as your brain allows it, in the moment you’re experiencing. It’s about making and keeping memories, not dwelling, not allowing pain to overwhelm you and building a better way to handle the ‘world’ in general. And I know why it annoys me so to talk about being versus doing.

What does it mean anyway?

Mindfulness sometimes means, for me at least, not to switch to automatic when I’m doing something. To pay attention and note, not only differences, but the good things I enjoy about experiences. And, in being present in moments, finding the courage to face harder stuff, by remembering the lessons of ‘being in the moment’ otherwise. That it passes.

Time however, even when being instead of doing, sometimes gets the upper hand

I can tell when I’ve not got the spoons to do a being versus doing exercise when it drags ON and ON and ON. I like meditating. I struggle sometimes, and I’ve been known to do things on autopilot when I shouldn’t, but lately, meditating has been hard. Being in the moment, moreso. I know some of it is to do with the process of grieving, after losing my grandmother mid-February, and I know some of it is about the fact that I know that it’s not going to be pleasant if I follow the trajectory that I’m on, because I don’t do well with what comes next. But as I’m more about being in the moment, I’m trying not to think too far ahead.

Being though is more than…well…being

One of the concepts I think I scrabble with, and may talk about more, who knows, is that ‘being’ isn’t just about the act of staying present. It’s more than that. I’m learning that through mindfulness and meditation. I’ll need to keep talking about it, I guess, but I’d love your thoughts.

Tomorrow I’m doing C for CPTSD, but how about we just be, today? 😉

(Featured image on this post was the first picture I took of our beach at the Hotel in the Dominican where we stayed in 2018. And honestly, feels like a lifetime ago. It’s also the tree I did my final mindfulness mediation under before heading back home at the end of what was an incredible holiday)

Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - text by Kai

B is for Black Monday #atozchallenge

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Black Monday is one my series’ that I wrote, starting in 2004. It span off into Salvagers and some other books, but at it’s core, it was the first place – ever – I found and created Farran.
It’s a book though I can’t really talk about right now. Mostly because it’s a bit hard to write about the Apocalypse when you kinda feel like you’re loving through it in some ways (see A for Almost, or A for Are we there yet?)

Talking about why the earth still ends…

I gotta be honest, the core premise for Black Monday is an actual explosion on Earth that wiped it out…entirely.
So. One of the major things that I discovered, is that I didn’t want to write about it when I was worrying about Tom and his kidney surgery. Then…well, the world did kinda go into various versions of lockdown.

It’s been tiring and scary the last few months especially, so I thought I’d ease back into Black Monday and talk about the Captain and 2IC.

Captain Gedren and Lt Farran

One of the main character pairings in Black Monday is Gedren and Farran. Gedren is the Captain of the Grey Shadow, which is one of the five ships in the colony group. That colony group was originally set to inhabit a new part of the universe, knowing they could come home. So when the earth is destroyed, as they leave, the reactions of Gedren and Farran are almost polar opposite.

Gedren is more than a little over the top in his reactions, and basically becomes the worst of whatever he had been before he and the ship left. Slightly controlling before, he becomes a despot, and creates the beginning of the flotilla split. the worst of his character flaws lead to the destruction of not only the earth but one of the landing sites for the original flotilla, and sets up book 2 of the series, though as both the destruction of the Earth and the original flotilla spot is discussed in flashback, it’s not too much of a spoiler :).

Farran, on the other hand, basically ends up convicted of the destruction of earth, and becomes less cocky and sure of himself. Before where he was a fine, if flawed second in command, he becomes someone that needs to make things right. Farran’s story ends in the middle of Black Monday, as he’s placed is Stasis, and is picked up again in Salvagers.

I guess Black Monday will be back on the docket soon – we do have a cover for it after all, but it’s still a story I’m struggling with. Ending an earth that had a near miss isn’t really something I’d like to do right now.

Books by D Kai Wilson-Viola - Books by D Kai Wilson-Viola - text by Kai

A new normal? #atozchallenge

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I suspect this isn’t the article that many people are expecting, as I’m not going to be making my predictions on what things will look like when the world settles down after the pandemic, and vaccines and everything else. Instead, I’m going to be talking about my new normals, because in the last 18 years, I’ve had a lot change (oh yes, this site is 18 now. It can legally do a tonne of stuff in the UK and US. Scary no?)

Normal – a loaded word

The real reason I wrote this specific post was I was thinking about doing A for Aspergers and I had someone jump all over me with ‘actually, Asperger was a Nazi, the community was moving away from that,’ and I was thinking ‘but I’m part of that community, news to me!’, so instead of just talking about one aspect of what I’m thinking, I’ll be touching on the fact that I’ve gone from being diagnosed as bipolar in 2003, to…much more in 2021, including aspergers.
And how ‘normal’ is a completely loaded word. (well, I’ll be doing that in N for ‘setting on a washing machine’) later on the month.

Here comes the new boss, same as the old boss

The thing with diagnoses is they’re just labels that let people broad stroke know what may or may not happen on interaction with them. They aren’t, for example, the be all and end all (as one psych student once told me, ‘nope, if i were to guess from your file, I’d never have got ‘gestures at me’. And that was the part my GP choked on his coffee cause he was sitting there innocently allowing me to corrupt…well… correct really… med students. I was, when I started this blog, bipolar. Might have had a soupçon of anxiety tossed in there, but no, I was bipolar. Up, down, 60 days with a five day variance on my cycle. You could set your watch by me, apparently.
Except. I’m not.
Not any more.

The new is a bit of a shock

So, the new actually snuck in. I was first decided NOT to be bipolar because bipolar and borderline personality were so easy to mix up. And we argued that no, I was not borderline. Even when they tried rebranding it to EUPD (I’ll explain why in E is for ‘if you dare say that again, I’ll scream’). And do you know, the only person that can actually explain it doesn’t like to use it anyway. So, five years of arguing about that, being discharged and sent to a neighbouring county and meeting Dr C and nurse M and life is good again.
Dr C has changed my diagnosis to ‘CPTSD with traits of EUPD, anxiety, (pseudo?)psychosis, historic bipolar’ and is pretty sure I’m mildly on the spectrum. Mostly because I’m really, specifically, hardcore focused on the use of language and its myriad shades. My vocabulary causes issues, put it that way.

Mouthful right?

What the new normal actually is though is me meditating more (yeah, I’ll talk about my complex relationship with that later too), being mindful, and recovering. Because the five years leading up to me getting help, from 2014-2019 were when I stopped leaving the house. Which is why there’s whole sections of this AtoZ devoted to bullying, psychosis and less cheery subjects. As for the lockdown? I live in the UK and it’s getting to me a bit now, but when it started it was pretty much ‘ok, I hear this is an instruction for you. It’s a description for me.’. I’d never have wished the confinement my psychosis makes me impose on myself on anyone else, but that’s where we are right now, I guess. What’s your new normal? Anything changed you might wanna discuss?

Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - text by Kai

A is for American Gods #atozchallenge2021

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Kicking off our AtoZ for 2021 is American Gods. And I’ll be talking about the book, the show and why they, like a lot of [...]

Kai Viola – These our Fandoms - Kai Viola – These our Fandoms - text by Kai

A – The Four of Cups #atozchallenge

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  1. AtoZ challenge 2021 announcement
  2. 26 and the random – the cards
  3. A – The Four of Cups #atozchallenge
There were four cups remaining as I finished this tale. Four cups, as four of us huddled into the dying firelight, thinking about everything we’d been through to get here.
Which meant my round was only four more cups. There was a bright side. I looked up and realized that it was nearly dawn – we’d lost listeners, as people had drifted away. I dropped into a daze, contemplating the four remaining with apathy. Knowing that one was my executioner, and the other two, witnesses.
But they couldn’t kill me while the tale remained. While a chance for all I’d fought for and lost was still theirs to snatch from me at the last minute.
But then, a final figure drifted back. Dark robes hiding them in shadows behind me. I smiled and offered them an imperceptible nod. I could have sworn the darkness returned my gesture. The magister cleared his throat. “And is that all?” he said, and double tapped his cup. The other two also double tapped, so I raised my hand, signalling for our round, and I said, “well, not quite…” “You, madam, take this too far,” Meneise said, with a tired yawn, but waved her hand, in a gesture of continuance. So, I bowed my head and waited, trying to think about anything else I could tell them. I had explained the worst of it, past my escape, past the assassination, but I had held one thing back…. The serving maid brought us more ale, more bread, more cheese and I took my portions, chewing thoughtfully, and then, with a sip, continued my tale.
Meaning of four of cups – UPRIGHT: Meditation, contemplation, apathy, reevaluation.

https://www.biddytarot.com/tarot-card-meanings/minor-arcana/suit-of-cups/four-of-cups/

Fiction @ ByKai - Fiction @ ByKai - text by Kai

A for ‘are we there yet?’ #atozchallenge

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Late start to the AtoZ I know, but I’ve had work and other stuff to deal with today. I think the title of this might give you an insight into me, more than anything else. I’m not… exactly … a patient person. I love to know where we’re going, what we’re doing, and be there. I do not do well with waits. Waiting is anathema to me in fact. My impatience is so bad that I’ve actually made up games just to get through hard meetings. I think part of it is because I’m anxious (which I’ll mention later), but part of it is just that I can’t stand being still. Even for a minute. And I hate that my body lets me down so that very often, even if I don’t want to be, I am. A also really stands for a couple of other things. I’m an animal lover – I have two cats, and would adopt more if allowed. I want a dog, though, practically, I’m not allowed them. I’m also anxious. If you want a bit of background on that, I talked a little and will talk more about it on my mental health blog, bi-polarbears. Anxiety does, however rule my life. I’m also also, an author. That, I’ll be showing off on both fiction.bykai and booksbykai. Writing is life for me. As evidenced by the fact that I’ve linked to all of the AtoZ blog posts I’m doing this month by mentioning I’m also sharing an AtoZ with a friend, and my post today was American Gods. An amazing book. With all that awesome ‘all about me’ A entry, I think I’ll close with adieu 😉 (because I’m not sleeping and I’m a goofball). (later in the month I’ll just link back to each post ;)) Tell me something beginning with A about you?

The blog of D Kai Wilson - The blog of D Kai Wilson - text by Kai

A is for Almost….

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Almost. In the UK, we’re ‘almost’ there. 30 million vaccinated. Almost out of lockdown. But we’re also almost at the point where many of my books will be anathema for a while. It’s not easy being a post apocalyptic writer when the world goes all… near apocalyptic.

Were we really that close?

I think we were in a quiet sort of way. Had vaccines not become a thing, had one superpower pushed one way instead of another, I don’t know. A lot of the ‘I don’t know’, though, is very much because last year, we were getting over a rough few months with Titanboi, and preparing Artenapan to come home from college, all against the backdrop of a world almost at the brink of what we could cope with.

So how does this relate to my books?

I guess it’s why nothing has really happened this year. I’ve almost signed with places. I’ve almost gotten organised. I’ve also almost been so anaemic I could barely move. Well, no, I was actually so anaemic…. anyway. Almost is an important word for what I’ll talk about in the coming month. Because all of the ‘almosts’ are going to be here soon. Which means I have a whole world to explore with you! Because while I was dealing with all of the ‘almosts’, it became obvious that my universes – all of them – are linked. So… I have no reason to feel bad about what I’m writing, it’ll all come back to Elliot in the end. Ready for a ride?

Books by D Kai Wilson-Viola - Books by D Kai Wilson-Viola - text by Kai