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C is for CPTSD #atozchallenge

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CPTSD has been a persistent part of my diagnosis for a few years now, in part because we just refused to accept that I had EUPD. And while many survivors of childhood abuse have CPTSD, I’m one of the few that don’t have it due to what happened to me at home, as a child. There’s a theory it could have been – in part – to do with the meds I had as a child for epilepsy, or it could have been because I was bullied, but what I do know was that unlike some, I wasn’t as unlucky as others I’ve met, and that I wasn’t abused as a child by my family. This seems to be one of the key areas people focus on – if you have CPTSD, you were obviously abused as a child. And I have to say, it’s not that simple.
And as it’s an emerging label, I guess we just need to keep an eye on it.

How did I end up there?

As I’ve mentioned a couple of times on various blogs, about two yearas ago, around about the time a unit decided that there was nothing more they could do to treat me, my diagnosis was re-evaluated and changed to CPTSD. I could give a list of historical reasons why this is the case, and why most bipolars end up being reclassified as EUPD/borderline, but instead I’ll just link to this article.

I’m just a really passionate person

What got me ‘into trouble’ and the unit absolutely obsessed with the idea that I wasn’t bipolar was that I was always angry. There was no accounting for the reason *why* I was angry (I don’t do any other reaction in flight, fight, freeze), nor did they listen to me about specific things that made me feel as if y only protection was to be protective of myself.
The line though with the first team came when we had to complain about them and they said ‘everything in her record is completely accurate and justified, and we had didfferent letters, so…that was fun.

At the end of that road

I try not to focus too much now on what went on back then, but it wasn’t the best of times. And due to the way I’d been handled before being passed to the new unit, I’d basically had six months treatment in five years, something I’m still working towards fixing now.
One of the first things I had explained to me at the new unit though was that though he couldn’t say- for sure – whether I was bipolar – he was pretty sure that I wasn’t borderline, for the reasons I gave (I have little difficulty with long term relationships, and I’m angry all the time, it’s got nothing to do with my mental health, I’m just…feisty and will argue for what I believe in. In fact, at the end of the process with the complaints team, I showed the head of the unit this table from this article and he was in agreement with me. I didn’t fit BPD, I fit CPTSD, but it still took moving to a new team to be taken seriously.

CPTSD – here to stay?

In the last ten years, the definitions on mental health have changed so often that it’s hard to tell whether we’re dealing with one classification or another, whether we’re talking to someone who uses one set of terminology or another. Whether we’re even using the same definitional syste that they are. What is clear that if you find one that’s in one of the accepted systems and it works for you, it’s ok to want to use that one, and hopefully those that care for you are open to it.

*As is the common notice on Bi-polarbears, please do not self diagnose. While we appreciate, especially now, that healthcare is limited and difficult to come by mental health is important enough that you should work hard on ensuring that you’re supported and have an accurate, unbiassed diagnosis from a third party. Take a family member with you to advocate for you, but it’s important to have an official level of support and/or recognition for your mental health status. If you self diagnose, you could choose the wrong one, and as many of the items chosen when self diagnosing require medication only accessible from a professional, self-dx defeats the purpose of getting help for things, that way. And you don’t need to have a ‘formal diagnosis’ to practice mindfulness and self-care. Which I’ll be talking about later this month.

Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - text by Kai

B is for Being not doing #atozchallenge

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If I’m not careful, I get to be very opinionated about labels and stuff. I was going to do ‘why it’s dumb that most bipolars are being reclassified as borderline’ but…I’m grabbing for any positive posts I can make. Though, to be fair, because of how I describe some of this stuff, I suspect this one might come off as slightly opinionated too…

A human BEING

I get really annoyed with some of the meditation challenge stuff that I read that says ‘to be in the moment you have to be a human BEING, not a human doing.’. It’s actually true though. Mindfulness, at it’s core is being as present as your brain allows it, in the moment you’re experiencing. It’s about making and keeping memories, not dwelling, not allowing pain to overwhelm you and building a better way to handle the ‘world’ in general. And I know why it annoys me so to talk about being versus doing.

What does it mean anyway?

Mindfulness sometimes means, for me at least, not to switch to automatic when I’m doing something. To pay attention and note, not only differences, but the good things I enjoy about experiences. And, in being present in moments, finding the courage to face harder stuff, by remembering the lessons of ‘being in the moment’ otherwise. That it passes.

Time however, even when being instead of doing, sometimes gets the upper hand

I can tell when I’ve not got the spoons to do a being versus doing exercise when it drags ON and ON and ON. I like meditating. I struggle sometimes, and I’ve been known to do things on autopilot when I shouldn’t, but lately, meditating has been hard. Being in the moment, moreso. I know some of it is to do with the process of grieving, after losing my grandmother mid-February, and I know some of it is about the fact that I know that it’s not going to be pleasant if I follow the trajectory that I’m on, because I don’t do well with what comes next. But as I’m more about being in the moment, I’m trying not to think too far ahead.

Being though is more than…well…being

One of the concepts I think I scrabble with, and may talk about more, who knows, is that ‘being’ isn’t just about the act of staying present. It’s more than that. I’m learning that through mindfulness and meditation. I’ll need to keep talking about it, I guess, but I’d love your thoughts.

Tomorrow I’m doing C for CPTSD, but how about we just be, today? 😉

(Featured image on this post was the first picture I took of our beach at the Hotel in the Dominican where we stayed in 2018. And honestly, feels like a lifetime ago. It’s also the tree I did my final mindfulness mediation under before heading back home at the end of what was an incredible holiday)

Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - text by Kai

A for ‘are we there yet?’ #atozchallenge

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Late start to the AtoZ I know, but I’ve had work and other stuff to deal with today. I think the title of this might give you an insight into me, more than anything else. I’m not… exactly … a patient person. I love to know where we’re going, what we’re doing, and be there. I do not do well with waits. Waiting is anathema to me in fact. My impatience is so bad that I’ve actually made up games just to get through hard meetings. I think part of it is because I’m anxious (which I’ll mention later), but part of it is just that I can’t stand being still. Even for a minute. And I hate that my body lets me down so that very often, even if I don’t want to be, I am. A also really stands for a couple of other things. I’m an animal lover – I have two cats, and would adopt more if allowed. I want a dog, though, practically, I’m not allowed them. I’m also anxious. If you want a bit of background on that, I talked a little and will talk more about it on my mental health blog, bi-polarbears. Anxiety does, however rule my life. I’m also also, an author. That, I’ll be showing off on both fiction.bykai and booksbykai. Writing is life for me. As evidenced by the fact that I’ve linked to all of the AtoZ blog posts I’m doing this month by mentioning I’m also sharing an AtoZ with a friend, and my post today was American Gods. An amazing book. With all that awesome ‘all about me’ A entry, I think I’ll close with adieu 😉 (because I’m not sleeping and I’m a goofball). (later in the month I’ll just link back to each post ;)) Tell me something beginning with A about you?

The blog of D Kai Wilson - The blog of D Kai Wilson - text by Kai

#AtoZchallenge2021 – The AtoZ of Mental Health

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(I’ll touch on being 18 this year in another post!)
I’m going to try – again – to do an AtoZ of mental health, though, I’m hoping to focus more on positives, but I’ll be talking about some serious topics too, like bullying, CPTSD and psychosis. But I’m hoping to touch on some things that are more like…tactics to get through mental health challenges.
I’ll hopefully deal with stuff that helps people, but at the end of the day, I think mental health is going to become a topic that we’re more front and centre discussing, just because of what’s going on right now. Finding our new normal is the start – A New Normal will go live on April 1st.
If you’d like to see what else I’m up to, please head on over to Kaiberie.com, and check out the page that lists all the AtoZ challenges for 2021 that I’m doing.

Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - Live, Thrive, Survive with Bipolarbears - text by Kai